


Star Wars: Two Lingering Juggalos

by Poplitealqueen



Series: Indepth Analyses & Summaries of the Star Wars Movies [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Last Jedi - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, I Don't Even Know, Multi, Parody, and then it eats your soul, if you take this seriously a Porg mates with a Minion and creates the ultimate product placement, some other third thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 08:45:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13027437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poplitealqueen/pseuds/Poplitealqueen
Summary: Spoil your friends by sending them this and taking them to the hospital after they suffer multiple mental breaks.





	Star Wars: Two Lingering Juggalos

**Author's Note:**

> I came, I saw, I ficced.
> 
> -Pop

This movie doesn't begin with a 20 minute long Frozen short about Olaf. That's already a mark down!

Instead, this movie begins with a bulging nostalgia tumor as the Fisting Odor, having subjugated the Republic, now closes in on the remnants of the Resistance as they desperately try to flee. However, there is no snow. Or Darth Vader. Or a budding romance between two of the main three as the third one runs over to bumfuck nowhere to find a Jedi Master. There is only Pro Damnson and his legion of bomber ships that look suspiciously like giant crosses. The power of Christ compels the Fisting Odor to fuck off, unfortunately leading to the death of Page Tickles, but succeeding in allowing Legal Orgasm and her squad to escape.

Or so they think.

For as soon as they come out of Lickety Speed, they find the Fisting Odor right on their asses. Everyone is screaming, stuff is exploding, and that's when Fine wakes up.

Wet and naked, he goes to find his boyfriend, Pro, and after a quick make-out session, asks about Rayband. And why everything is on fire and explodey.

Rayband had successfully found Loogie Skypewalter on Waterworld, but Loogie didn't wish to be found. With a harrumph, he told Rayband he'd come here to die and that the Jedi were to die with him. Rayband was like 'nah', but before she can probably argue her point, Khloe Ron hacks her mystical mind Wi-Fi and proceeds to Stockholm Syndrome his way into her good graces. Loogie doesn't notice, because Loogie has gone off the grid both mentally and physically and can no longer feel the power of the mystical mind Wi-Fi.

Stuff happens. Allahu Akbar meets his final trap, and Legal is sent spinning into space to be strangled by her own bra before remembering that she has the power of Carrie Fisher, and floating herself to safety. However, the power of Carrie is too intense for many, and Legal goes into a coma and is replaced as leader of the Resistance by purple - haired Hodor.

Hodor carefully explains to everyone what the plan is: the Fisting Odor can only track their big ships, so once they get close to an old Rebel base on a salt planet, they'll use smaller transports to get everyone to safety. They do this, nobody else dies, Rayband shows up with Loogie in tow and Yodes appears on top of Supreme Leader Snooki and summons lighting to explode him, because Force Ghosts can do that now. Everything works out.

And that's the movie.

JUST KIDDING!

Hodor doesn't tell anyone SHIT and Pro decides he's gonna help Fine and his new friend, Ross Tickles, find a master h4ck3r that will get them onto Snooki ' s ship to disable the Lickety Speed tracking device.

More stuff happens. Fine and Ross end up finding a different master h4ck3r completely by accident in jail, and Rayband somehow knows how to swim despite growing up in the desert, looks in an evil mirror, and finds out she's her own parents or something. Distraught, she calls Khloe and Khloe is all like, "Girl, get outta there! Loogie is a liar!" and Rayband gets out of there.

Loogie freaks out and goes to set some books on fire, and Yodes appears to tell him that fear is actually a'okay lol. Then he explodes a tree and they watch it for a while.

Chipotle (who keeps fading out of the movie, probably to hang out with Land-o) and Rayband fly with a bunch of product placements to where Khloe is. Rayband bails, gets on Snooki ' s ship, and does not seem to care that Khloe isn't topless in this scene. This upsets Khloe, so he kills Snooki. 

Meanwhile, Fine, Ross, and the Master H4ck3r board Snooki ' s ship in secret. They're about to disable the tracking device, when evil BB-8 stops them! Then the H4ck3r becomes a turncloak, and circumstances do not look good. Someone is bound to lose a hand.

Yet no one does. In a final fuck you, Hodor licketyspeeds through Snooki ' s ship, Plasma appears for five seconds and then falls into an explosion, all the main characters get off the ship, and the final confrontation on the planet of salt below commences.

Loogie Skywalker saves the day through his mastery of the Shadow Clone Jutsu, and then promptly dies. Rayband lifts some rocks, there's a lot of red salt everywhere, she and Fine hug, she meets Pro and he suggests a polyamorous relationship with him, Fine, and Ross. She says sure.

Oh and apparently some kid on Cunt Bint has the Force.

And that's the movie.

**Author's Note:**

> Remember to take a drink every time Leia slaps someone in TLJ. Politics? Pfft. *slap*
> 
> I did actually enjoy this movie.


End file.
